No margaritas for 9 months.
Actually, I guess it’s more like 6 months. Because, I’m already 3 months pregnant. With a small pooch to prove it.
I’ve always been honest here on the blog, and I really struggled with how to share this news. You see, this little miracle wasn’t exactly planned. I know there’s never a perfect time to have children, but this certainly doesn’t feel like it. Moving to a new state, starting a new job, living at home with my parents – and over 2,000 miles apart from Sam – was definitely enough change and stress for me for one year. So staring at a positive pregnancy test on the eve of my move to Hawaii was shocking. And that’s a total understatement.
Three months in, the shock is starting to wear off. But I’m not feeling like the overjoyed and adorable pregnant women I see in the maternity ads. Who can look that cute when you feel so bloated and blimp-like? Not me.
The worst part is that I have friends who’ve struggled to conceive. Who’ve wanted children and who without doubt deserve to be mothers. It makes me feel so guilty about my ambivalence. Sometimes life just doesn’t seem fair, and I wish I understood why.
In the meantime, I’ve been focusing on getting through the day without feeling nauseous and light-headed. Because, despite the name, morning sickness lasts all day long. And it’s been really awkward to fight through at a new job.
And then there’s Sam, who opted to change his plans completely in order to move to Hawaii asap to support me and baby. He’s quitting his teaching job – a job he absolutely LOVES, btw – and will be leaving Portland when classes end at Christmas break. In the meantime, he’s scrambling to pack up our lives in Portland all by himself, in a much shorter time frame than our original plans detailed.
I know in my heart of hearts that everything will work out. And that by the time this baby arrives, it’ll likely be one of the most spoiled and over-photographed kiddos on the planet. I have to remind myself that I wanted to be in Hawaii with my family when we finally did decide to have kids of our own. So, at least one part of this whole crazy situation was planned out. Sort of. And I’m thankful for that. I’m still not entirely sure I’m ready for this, but I’m trying to go with the flow and have faith in the universe and its plans.
I used to say: when life hands you lemons, make margaritas! Today I’m focusing on making lemonade instead. It’s not a margarita, but it’ll do for now.