10/5/14

No margaritas for 9 months.

 Lemonade Hawaii

Actually, I guess it’s more like 6 months. Because, I’m already 3 months pregnant. With a small pooch to prove it.

Eeeeek.

I’ve always been honest here on the blog, and I really struggled with how to share this news. You see, this little miracle wasn’t exactly planned. I know there’s never a perfect time to have children, but this certainly doesn’t feel like it. Moving to a new state, starting a new job, living at home with my parents – and over 2,000 miles apart from Sam – was definitely enough change and stress  for me for one year. So staring at a positive pregnancy test on the eve of my move to Hawaii was shocking. And that’s a total understatement.

Three months in, the shock is starting to wear off. But I’m not feeling like the overjoyed and adorable pregnant women I see in the maternity ads. Who can look that cute when you feel so bloated and blimp-like? Not me.

The worst part is that I have friends who’ve struggled to conceive. Who’ve wanted children and who without doubt deserve to be mothers. It makes me feel so guilty about my ambivalence. Sometimes life just doesn’t seem fair, and I wish I understood why.

In the meantime, I’ve been focusing on getting through the day without feeling nauseous and light-headed. Because, despite the name, morning sickness lasts all day long. And it’s been really awkward to fight through at a new job.

And then there’s Sam, who opted to change his plans completely in order to move to Hawaii asap to support me and baby. He’s quitting his teaching job – a job he absolutely LOVES, btw – and will be leaving Portland when classes end at Christmas break. In the meantime, he’s scrambling to pack up our lives in Portland all by himself, in a much shorter time frame than our original plans detailed.

I know in my heart of hearts that everything will work out. And that by the time this baby arrives, it’ll likely be one of the most spoiled and over-photographed kiddos on the planet. I have to remind myself that I wanted to be in Hawaii with my family when we finally did decide to have kids of our own. So, at least one part of this whole crazy situation was planned out. Sort of. And I’m thankful for that. I’m still not entirely sure I’m ready for this, but I’m trying to go with the flow and have faith in the universe and its plans.

I used to say: when life hands you lemons, make margaritas! Today I’m focusing on making lemonade instead. It’s not a margarita, but it’ll do for now.

14 Responses to "No margaritas for 9 months."

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  1. Congratz lil mama!
    Met you mom at the waimea farmers mkt at parker school!

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    • Marisa

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      Thanks Jamie! Hope to see you in Waimea soon! 🙂

      Reply
  2. I’m so happy for you and Sam! I felt the same way with my first pregnancy. She is now my best friend. You have lots of time to get used to it! Congratulations!

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  3. Congrats Marisa!!! That is so exciting, albeit a little bit of a hectic time 🙂 But hey, I really believe at the end of the day, everything really does happen for a reason and although you may not understand it now. looking back you’ll probably be so glad the way things worked out 🙂 Plus it will be nice that you’ll be close to family now! Also, pregnancy definitely gets a lot more fun once you start to feel better and actually look really pregnant – then it’s awesome because everyone is really nice to you, ha! And also, I think it’s important not to put expectations on how you’re “supposed” to feel during pregnancy – I know some women feel all maternal and touchy feely right from that first pregnancy test, whereas I honestly still think pregnancy is super strange and that it’s freaky that there is a small human inside me…and I think that’s ok! Just be honest with yourself and try to enjoy this time because even if it doesn’t seem like it now, it will start flying by! I can’t believe I’m due in two months, I seriously feel like I was JUST where you are! Congrats again on your news!

    Also, longest blog comment ever. Ha.

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    • Marisa

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      Thanks for the thoughtful words, Jane! Really appreciate it… it’s a relief to know I’m not alone. Here’s to our crazy adventures, huh?!

      Reply
  4. Tiffany

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    So excited for you Marisa! Congratulations on your baby news – you are going to be an awesome mama! Also, congrats on your job with Outrigger – they are a fantastic company!

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  5. Taylor McPherson

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    Aw love you so much sister!! Sending you all my good energy, happy thoughts and love! You can do this! <3

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  6. Jennifer W.

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    You’re absolutely gorgeous, friend…. I’m so happy for you guys and this post is really well written. I can only imagine what’s going through your head right now. You and Sam will get through this and you’re right … but the time your 9 mos is up you’ll be more ready than you ever imagined. I miss you!

    Reply
  7. Congratulations! I can’t believe so much change happened to you all at once, rather than having 1 change follow another, it decided to all happen in one big bang! I know you and Sam will be wonderful parents, and it seems like what you were hoping for in your future (raising your family in Hawaii anyway, close to your own family) is right in line with what is happening, so it must be fate! I’ve always been a little bit jealous of friends I know who were raised or who raised kids in Hawaii because they have an innate laid back vibe that must be from growing up in the pace of life there!

    Reply
  8. You’re never ready. Having a baby is a complete life change, whether you planned on it or not. And you shouldn’t feel guilty for your ambivalence. Your own life situation is as valid as those of your friends struggling to conceive. Look at it this way–if you hadn’t conceived, would your friends feel any better about the fact that they are struggling? We can never predict the turns our lives will take. Control is an illusion. You and Sam are loving, caring people, who are devoted to one another. You will be great parents. Wishing you all the best and hope to see you sometime when you are visiting in Waimea!

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  9. Enid Nielsen

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    Big congrats, Marisa! Big changes often come in a waterfall instead of a steady stream, right? It can feel overwhelming. Breathe in, breathe out. You got this, girl. Many hugs from PDX.

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  10. Marisa, I appreciate how honest your post is regarding being pregnant. You’re right, there never is a perfect time, and it is perfectly normal to have a huge mix of feelings about such a huge life change! I will be hoping that this smooths out for you as Sam moves over, and that your nausea and dizziness will lessen soon. You’re going to be a great Mom, I’ll bet.

    We will be in Honolulu Tuesday. Can’t wait to get back to HI, even if it is just for a week. Anything I can pack in my suitcase for you? 🙂

    Reply
    • Marisa

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      You are so sweet Tanya! Thanks for thinking of me.

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  11. Brianne

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    I totally get this. I was in shock and kinda depressed during most of my surprise pregnancy too. And the transition into parenthood was not easy either. Buuut it’s all worth it in a way no one could ever explain to you. Being a parent is one of the most amazing, fulfilling things you can do. I’m so excited to watch you both become parents. You got this!

    Reply

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